Little sigh of relief...

These last few weeks have been busy. Lots to do for school... final projects, essays, exams. All these long-term projects with due dates at the same time. The glimmer at the end of the tunnel is my trip home to see my family in Chicago. I decided to go in the dead of winter because I can't bear another Christmas without home and my fam. I would worry about cold weather and snow, but I'll be there for just 6 days before we escape to Mexico for a week. Pretty ridiculous, how did I win the lottery on life again?

Haha... there's fun to be had with some of the final projects we're doing at school

The blessings continue... My last post was about my fears over going to India alone. The update is I'm going to India, but no longer solo. My brother Patrick's coming with me! Somehow things always fall into place... don't know why I bother worrying about anything at all. I can't think of anyone I'd rather go with. Pat and I have always been close, especially as teens. We have the same sense of humor, taste in books, shows, people we get along with... and of course all the things people normally share when you're "fledglings" from the same nest. Over the years we've also shared this insatiable appetite for Indian food that no one else we know has been able to keep up with. I don't think there's an evening I wouldn't want Indian food for dinner...

Realistically, I know the trip will not be easy for either of us. How do you adequately prepare yourself to see poverty like you've never seen, over-overpopulated cities, foreign environments, uncomfortable situations, experiences,"delhi belly" -- it's not going to be peaches and cream. Yet I'll be in INDIA, and I feel I'm getting something back that in someways I thought was already lost. Having the opportunity to spend an extended period of time with my brother, one of my most favorite people on earth, is special. I feel like this shouldn't happen at our age. Normal people are too busy with jobs, families, life... Who gets to hang out with their sibling for 5 uninterrupted weeks of travel in India? And how many people would want that?

I'm thankful for every piece of this puzzle as it slowly, and surprisingly, fits together.

India??

I've been thinking about India for sometime... certainly this will sound amateur, but my favorite food is Indian, my favorite authors are Indian, my favorite customers when I was working were Indian... I WANT TO GO TO INDIA! Are those reasons enough? I already feel my connection, interest, and exposure to Indian culture runs deeper than with any other culture I've contemplated prior to landing in the country and experiencing it firsthand. Furthermore, I had no connection to Taiwan or Taiwanese culture before moving here... I've adjusted well without significant hitches.

On a recent trip around Taiwan I started rereading Elizabeth Gilmore's "Eat, Pray, Love" book. She's an American and at one point in her story she talks about living in Rome and running into an Aussie backpacker, a woman who's traveling around Europe. When Liz meets the backpacker, she feels jealous and thinks to herself something like, "how come I never get to travel?!" She then realizes how silly she's being since she's already traveling, she's IN Italy, outside the US, the daily grind, yet it also means she's become at home with where she is and no longer feels the adventure. I think I'm at a similar point now living in Taiwan.

There's a big break from school coming up for me from January through February. In December and the beginning of January, I plan to be in Chicago and Mexico for the holidays, then it's back to Taipei where I have over a month of free time to do what I feel like doing. Thing is, I know no one else right now with the burning desire or spare time to go to India. And frankly, I'll tell you the truth, I'm scared out of my mind to go by myself! Is it safe? Would I enjoy it alone? I was whining to my parents last night about how I wish I were more independent and ballsy. Do I dare do this? I think part of India's appeal is that it's not entirely safe. People might be conniving, savvy, creative, wanting to take advantage... Intelligence and danger like this perks things up, right? Could be more stimulating than the lethargic safeness and predictability of Taiwan. If I can survive in India by myself, I may be able to survive anywhere... a new freedom of sorts.

I remember running into a lone female traveler in Thailand and she was such a wreck... Sick, weary, she couldn't even carry her backpack. She looked like she just needed home and her mom. I was relieved to be traveling with friends when I saw her, but certainly I have more coping skills than that girl... having lived and survived in a new country by myself for over a year. But Taiwan is a safe haven. 48-hours in I stopped being scared. I walk anywhere here, day or night, could probably be topless if I felt like it and nothing bad would happen. People trust me too. Everyone trusts each other, walks too slowly, unconsciously ambling everywhere without any fear or shoulder-checking. Taiwanese people would also pick me up, a hitchhiker, without a second thought. This would never happen in the US. I don't believe India is even remotely in the same ballpark as my innocent, safe little island of Taiwan.

I had dinner with my friend Vanessa this evening and got her opinion on my traveling to India solo. Vanessa's from Honduras and therefore is not so sheltered as a girl from white America. She thinks my going to India alone would be a great choice. I should also mention Vanessa is super friendly, can talk to or befriend anyone, anything, anywhere and be at ease with herself... Of course she thinks it would be fine for me to go it alone!

Anyway, I'm building up the courage to do this. I think I can... and I want to. I just want to enjoy it and not be scared the whole time. I'm 50% confident that it's possible by myself. Would you go for it if you were me?

TED.com Rocks!

Just watched Eve Ensler's TEDTalk on security. It's emotional, but I loved this quote: "...if your end goal is security, and if that's all you're focusing on, what ends up happening, is that you create not only more insecurity in other people, but you make yourself far more insecure. Real security is contemplating death, not pretending it doesn't exist. Not running from loss, but entering grief, surrendering to sorrow. Real security is not knowing something when you don't know it. Real security is hungering for connection rather than power. It cannot be bought or arranged or made with bombs. it is deeper, it is a process, it is acute awareness that we are all utterly inter-bended, and one action by one being in one tiny town, has consequences everywhere. Real security is not only being able to tolerate mystery, complexity, ambiguity, but hungering for them. and only trusting a situation when they are present." -Eve Ensler

You think US dept. of homeland security would listen to this? :)

Disappointment… I’ve felt this a lot though I’m such an optimist. I feel optimistic even now. I look back on my life and think of all the times I felt there was a wall infront of me; I’ve always unfailingly found a way around it. Seriously, I persevere… I feel lucky to have me J

I’ve become pretty involved in my Buddhism classes. I go every Sunday night… From 8pm until late late. I practice meditation, chi-kung, and then I speak with the “guru” or the master that leads everything. Since I’ve just started my master’s degree at school and have met so many new people, this week I asked my guru what I should do. I’ve noticed in meeting new people in foreign communities that there’s a honeymoon period, a 3-month period of bliss where everyone is anxious to be together and admires each other… so thankful for new people, a new country, avenues and creativity. Then things get stale, and people retreat into themselves and stop liking each other. Sad. So this week I asked my guru how can I enjoy this time, the first 3-months, and make it last so that I experience the happiness and friendships for the long term. You know what his response was? NO! He pretty much said that I can’t rely on people or happiness, and that the moment you meet a person you like you’re beginning to lose the person. He went on to say the moment you’re born you start the dying process. And simply, you have to get used to the transient and live with it, not get too attached to people, then you can live with human behavior and people being all effed up all the time. He said if he had expected to have deep, reliable, lasting connections with the people he's met throughout his life he would've committed suicide a long time ago. I guess the one positive he mentioned is destiny, and not to try because things will happen naturally.

Tonight sadly is my first disappointment. Based on my guru’s predictions, there are many more to come. Wish me luck! But thank god I always see the bright side. I still feel lucky and want to pinch myself to make sure I’m awake for this. I love my life and know mostly I made it the way it is. Though I’m disappointed, it’s for a good reason. I vividly remember feeling the same way one time when asking for a promotion at work where I was denied, evenso I knew for some reason I’d get it. And later I got it.

If you’re patient, you get whatever you want. Just work hard and care about yourself, and you can have whatever you want. That’s what I’d tell you if I were your guru J

Sergio Pratz

My friend Sergio left Taiwan on September 6th. I've been so busy with starting my IMBA and meeting new classmates that, thank god, I've hardly had the chance to absorb the loss and the fact that he's no longer here. I met Sergio on my first full day living in Taiwan, September 1, 2009. It's funny because I remember him from the second I saw him. We were in student orientation at the language center, and he spoke up in response to some question on ARCs, Taiwan's green card. I couldn't tell where he was from immediately... I think my first impression was he Arabic British. How on earth?! Show's how ignorant I was at the time. Sergio is of course Mexican.

I'm a realist, at least on a number of levels, Sergio will tell you... He says I'm the one that needs to get more in touch with my "girl cell" (after I forced him to watch Eve Ensler's Ted Talk). I agree, I'm not a girlie-girl, and I don't believe in what some consider to be the more feminine beliefs, like divine intervention or fate. I do however think there was a reason I noticed Sergio on day one in Taiwan. Throughout my first year in Taiwan he enriched my life and made the move so easy. I believe it's because I met Sergio that my life in my first year here has been easy and incredible. On day one, we went to lunch, and he created a checklist of everything I needed to do in order to meet visa/alien resident requirements, get a transportation card, a cell phone/sym card... All things complicated and essential.

Where did the day go?

How can it be that I have all the time in the world yet have no time at all? I feel I am one of the most fortunate people: young, able to not work for a period of time, a student, single with no kids -- while some might not view the last point as a plus, it does mean I have fewer time constraints than those who have significant others or little ones.

So what could be the sucker of my time? I've been trying to do the math and came up with these rough estimates of how I spend my time (per week):

1. Spending time with friends - 15 hours

2. Cooking, cleaning, laundry - 5 hours

3. Running or doing yoga - 10-12 hours

4. Spending time on public trans - 7 hours

5. Weekly discussion group - 3 hours

6. Buddhism studies - 6 hours

7. Class and homework - yet to be accurately calculated but will be roughly 30-35 hours

8. Listening to This American Life, Sound Opinions, BBC, reading news, Daily Show or TED.com - 5 hours

9. Spending time on facebook and kicking around online - 21 HOURS!

10. Drinking - if I have one night of partying, that can eat up quite a few more hours than I care to admit, from time of consumption to full recovery. In the past few weeks I've had some goodbye parties for friends leaving Taiwan which have put me out at least 15 hours.. But the goodbye parties are over for the meantime.

Looking at the above list, I'm thinking facebook has got to go! I've been thinking this for a while. I love it... Seeing pictures of long lost friends, the LOLs with people I love, the endless entertainment in following threads and videos, the occasional snoop into private lives of others, like seeing what my best friend from grade school is up to and thinking, "what made her into a republican and OMG! that's the guy she wound up with!?" (the most pathetic and saddest loss of my precious time and brain power).

So that's how I spend my time... And this is how I would like to spend an average weekday:

8am - up, breakfast, shower, coffee, tidy

9am - study Chinese

10am - IMBA study

noon - lunch - preferably with a friend

1pm - IMBA study
3pm - yoga

5pm - head to school

6pm - dinner with classmates

7-10pm - class (nights I don't have class substitute running, cooking, studying)

11pm - home, read, write, meditate, glass of red wine

12pm - bed

I recently listened to a Chrissie Hynde interview on Sound Opinions. She believes people are becoming less creative as a result of things like Facebook and it's taking a toll on the music that's coming out. She said teens used to come home from school and sit on their beds learning to play guitar or doing something creative. Now entire afternoons are spent on facebook. Besides that, I frequently observe people taking pictures of themselves, all throughout their meals and interactions, photographing every moment and living their lives for facebook posts. And I observe myself sometimes catching thoughts and thinking they'd make good status updates... These of course are all the negatives to facebook. I'm sure someone could list all the positives, but to me the negatives still win out. And I know it's not the tools, email or facebook, it's the user. However, I think particularly with facebook they're continually developing new features to make you more involved and sucked in.

So I know I need to stop complaining and do something. I will do something... I'm in the process of devising a plan to change the way I spend my time. I may have to try a few weeks without facebook and email altogether; just calls, skype, blogger, face-to-face interactions. I think if I cut out facebook and email for a while it would feel similar to when I quit smoking: all of a sudden I'll have time to do everything I want in a day with extra time to be creative. I'll stop worrying about my life slipping away... We'll see if I have the will power to disconnect for a while; I feel it building everyday as I wonder where the time went.

But first, let me go check my email and facebook :-)

The God of Small Things

Wish I hadn't been neglecting the blog so badly... Taiwan is still being good to me. New news is I've moved into a studio apartment in the "cosmopolitan" center of Taipei, near Zhongxiao Fuxing station. I will admit I feel underdressed sometimes when I'm coming back from a run, sweating like a disgusting wai guo ren (foreigner) and walking by the Gucci and other hoidy toidy department stores. But I have such a wonderful place! Comfy, rooftop studio on the 5th floor. A big patio. It's got a south american feel to it with terracotta tiles and a tin roof that sounds cozy in the rain... I've got a hammock out there -- a little shangri-la to hang in amidst the Taipei madness. Other than that, a lot of my closest friends are leaving in the immediate future. Still trying to learn to be an international citizen and not mind the goodbyes too much. They're hard. A lot of endings and new beginnings. This week I'm ending my formal Chinese studies and starting my master's program. On Wednesday I meet the people I'll be spending the next two years with. I'm excited! Even though it sounds haywire, life's pretty stable and routine. I'll try to report back more often.

I'm going to a conference next week. One of the prep assignments is to write a report on your favorite book and what it's taught you, so I thought I'd share... Hope it's not too boring. Here's the report:

I read the God of Small Things for the first time in 1997. As a regular and selective reader, I don’t like admitting I sometimes forget entire books, and often can’t recall names of authors. Even with this forgetfulness I seldom find myself wanting to reread books. How I know the God of Small Things is special is I’ve never forgotten the story, the characters or the author’s name, and I can reread the book and enjoy it again and again.

The story takes place in Ayemenem in Kerala, India in the home of a three generation family. The time period jumps between the 1960s and early 1990’s. Roy manages to tell the story in a subtle way; as the reader, you become a part of the family through growing to know the daily routines of each individual, their habits, sufferings, behaviors… what life was like for each of them. Although her writing style is subtle, the author winds in the less delicate issues of race, class, discrimination, love, betrayal, Indian history and politics. The story, a tragedy, shows how small ordinary things, such as a careless comment or action, can gradually add up to create bigger situations.

What I find particularly gripping about the book is the author’s writing style. The majority of the story is told from a perspective sympathetic to the fraternal twins in the family, a boy and a girl. The narrative alternates between their way of thinking as 7 year olds, then later on as 31 year olds. The author is able to construct sentences in a way that is verbal and visual; describing thoughts and sensations that mimic the creative and untrained way a child experiences the world. So simple but intense, particularly reading the book as an adult and having to recall and piece together the abstract childlike way of thinking, like being reintroduced to a language you thought you’d forgotten. Her style is one of the reasons I’m able to read and reread this book.

Roy describes Great Stories in the book; her description most definitely also applies to her own work:

"The secret of the Great Stories is that they have no secrets. The Great Stories are the ones you have heard and want to hear again. The ones you can enter anywhere and inhabit comfortably. They don’t deceive you with thrills and trick endings. They don’t surprise you with the unforeseen. They are as familiar as the house you live in. Or the smell of your lover’s skin. You know how they end, yet you listen as though you don’t. In the way that although you know that one day you will die, you live as though you won’t. In the Great Stories you know who lives, who dies, who finds love, who doesn’t. And yet you want to know again. THAT is their mystery and magic."

_Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

I find the book inspiring because it reminds me that small events can lead to bigger differences. In the case of the book, there’s a gradual progression of small mistakes and circumstances that lead to the tragic decline of the family. It’s a strong reminder to be conscious and sensitive, but that big positive changes also grow from small snippets of conversation and events. Things that seem insignificant can have huge impacts. Another quote from the book describes this well:

"Perhaps it's true that things can change in a day. That a few dozen hours can affect the outcome of whole lifetimes. And that when they do, those few dozen hours, like the salvaged remains of a burned house---the charred clock, the singed photograph, the scorched furniture---must be resurrected from the ruins and examined. Preserved. Accounted for. Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstituted. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly they become the bleached bones of a story."
— Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

The most inspiring lesson I take from The God of Small Things is to let a certain part of you remain untrained, untaught and open. No matter how much experience or education, I want to be able to see things and experience situations with freshness and openness, sensitivity. Roy’s writing style awakens the way I used to think and see my surroundings; her ability to tap into that powerful place of experiencing the world for the first time, untainted and not jaded, and convey it in her writing shows she’s allowed herself to remain untrained and open, in tune with a truer reality.-

To Bonnie Chauncey, my Mom, Happy Retirement!

From the second I was born I was already one of the luckiest people in the world since I was born to a mother who was motivated. She worked nights when I was little, teaching English so my brothers and I could have the well-rounded and more expensive education she dreamed for us. Throughout my life I've witnessed her grow and evolve, only recently realizing how astronomical some of her career changes were: from teaching college English, to high school English, to every subject and level, aside from foreign language, in grade school... and then back to school herself for a second master's degree, winding up her career as an associate professor in Chicago.

My Mom retired from work this Friday. Congratulations Mom! From living with you for most of my life I know this retirement is, in effect, a graduation. I know you will continue to surprise and inspire me and those close to you with your one-track motivation: your career moves, your deciding to learn yoga, headstands, crow-pose and all. Perfecting bread recipes until a better baguette couldn't be found even in France.... Backpacking the Alps, Argentina, Ireland, Chile and god knows how many other places with Dad. Creating web pages, wikis, and other things I can't describe since I don't understand how they work or how you created them. And always unconditionally and patiently listening, imparting your wisdom whenever it's needed. Willing to sit through hours of implausible worry-stricken scenarios, whatever the topic or urgency, and having meaningful, smart advice that works.

People say you outgrow your parents. To this day I can say that I don't think it's possible. I don't know how you've managed to give so much to those around you and still remain spectacular in your own right. You are surely my role model, guardian angel, unfailing force... How freaking lucky I am and we are to have you among us. I can't begin to imagine the lives you've touched throughout your career in your 40+ years of teaching.

Thank you, thank you, thank you and congratulations Mom!

I've been more conscious of my American-ness lately. I say the word "American" sensitively since I know some of my fellow American's (not from the U.S.) do not appreciate U.S.-er's claiming ownership of the name. I agree we are all American's... There is a reason the world refers to the people from the U.S. as American's and I believe it's simply because the U.S. is called the United States of America and actually has "America" in the name; I truly believe this is the reason for it and not any other theory on the self-centered-ness of the U.S. or the world only recognizing the U.S. as America.

The above tangent is one reason I'm unable to forget my U.S./American-ness. Another reason is I have the impulse and feel I deserve things to be just, true and fair. It sounds crazy, but being out of the states I realize the whole world doesn't expect the same basic rights. I know people think Americans are annoying because most will belabor and fight anything they feel unjust. Tonight, I realized that my credit card had been receiving fraudulent charges for six months. I was stupid enough to believe the charges were iTunes purchases so I kept paying my bill. Tonight, rather than fighting with the credit card company over disputing costs, I succumbed to cutting my losses and decided to move on. Most people who know me know I would never do that. Maybe I backed down more easily this time since I feel partially at fault for not catching the fraud earlier. At the same time, I feel lucky to be from a place where mediocrity and unjustness is not so easily accepted. I think definitely agree picking your battles is better than fighting every injustice, but I feel a warmth for the U.S. and glad I was embedded with the expectations

The new/old perspective

I came across this temple last night. Diet, my friend from the Philippines, took us to dinner in little manila and we wandered around afterward to walk off our fullness, drink 7/11 coffee and explore. I recognized the temple immediately as I had visited it on my first trip to Taipei in November 2008, with Tina and Mark, while scouting the area as a possible place to study.

Inside the temple, I was overcome by the way I felt back in 2008. I could clearly remember my old self standing in the same spot on the temple's balcony and what I thought living in Taipei and Asia would be like. I tapped into the old stresses of work I had felt at the time and the worry over graduate school admissions, the GMAT, not speaking a word of Chinese... Last night I felt so much relief, and though tired and full, I felt light.

I've been living here five months and although there's not the daily grind, I've gotten used to the day-to-day and am pretty busy. I'm less conscious of how blessed my life is as I get used to the people, sounds, smells, being back in school... The newness and appreciation has worn off. In the temple, I had a new love for my life as it is now. It's so much better than I could comprehend at the time. Also, what seemed like a monumental move and change has in actuality been pretty easy. I guess I have to insert here that Taiwan is an exceptional place, extremely safe, inexpensive, offers national healthcare... All the living essentials are covered. I wish everyone knew how easy it is to switch things up if you feel stuck. I love learning Chinese, doing ceramics, running on the river, I've found a good discussion group, some life long friends... and I wear short sleeves year round. I know now whenever I feel like complaining all I have to do is walk myself back to that temple to get the real perspective.